Nisarga

Category: Daily Life

  • Unschooling Nisarga

    Okay, its world war three, and as usual, I’m in the thick of things. This time, it is a stray comment that Nisarga will not go to school. This has sparked a minor wave of arguments. Many have shaken their heads wryly thinking that its yet another of my strange ideas. Those who know me better have started their own campaigns of explaining how school is necessary to a well rounded childhood (as though they have explored options), how it will be difficult to sustain year after year the strain of educating the child, and more.

    I find schools overrated.

    I have been in one as a child. While not traumatized, it isn’t something to write home about.

    My reasons for deciding to unschool Nisarga:

    1. Schooling is a huge investment in time. Compared with the time I invested in it, I have got precious little back. That is not to say I didn’t learn anything. It is simply saying that much of what I learned is rarely useful in life, and many things I learned actually harm my well being in real life.
    2. Schools teach us to quantify people based on a standard scale. We don’t really need much of what we learn in school, and most of what we need to learn in life, we learn from life. Yet, kids start believing themselves as clever or dumb based on what some ambitious bunch of teachers decides as life skills.
    3. The education system has no real way to impart necessary knowledge. One may argue that maths, science, history, language, etc are the foundations of learning. One may argue that they are certainly not. The fact is that very few schools actually prepare you for life. With calculators all around, I see no reason for my son to waste some of the prime developmental years of his life learning methods to divide 679676876 by 5875. Been there, done that, and never done it in real life. Always used a calculator – on my phone, my computer…
    4. Many subjects of knowledge are not covered though we pretend they are. Art for example is a joke. So is language, where a student will actually be considered ‘less’ for using slang, or ‘street language’ which is really an important part of speech in real life.
    5. Students are carefully molded into prescribed human beings and measured according to their ability to conform. This is actual damage.
    6. Think of all the life experience that he actually can learn things of interest to him that he can fit in in the coming 16 years (basic schooling). Travel, experimentation, art, science, people skills, computers, television, whatever. Whatever works. Once we aren’t obliged to measure our worth from standardized and useless examinations, there remains no real need to limit ourselves to prescribed learning and tentatively dabbling in our real interests. I see no reason why a kid can’t play video games all day and then grow up to make a living out of it. Or to play with colors and become an artist. Or to take apart things, improvise and then become an engineer or scientist. Or to become all of the above because he wants to, or to choose something else altogether.
    7. I suspect that schools often serve the purpose of keeping the kids occupied for parents who would much rather not have the hassle of dealing with their growth. This is not needed for me. I enjoy growing with him

    I am not planning on teaching my child anything at all. Let alone school. I will share what I find important if he finds it interesting. If he doesn’t, there is really no need for him to learn to do maths (for example) till he needs it and figures it out. Or to know about all the countries in the world or to read history only to forget it. The big thing I am going to do to support his growth is to stop interfering with my own ideas of what is best for him.

    For all those of you concerned that I’m going to ‘ruin’ my child, I appreciate your concern, and share my trust that he is a person and if learning turns out to be essential, he is capable of making a choice to engage in it as much as he likes.

    If you have read this far, and see some value in what I say, I’d like to share that I have also discovered that unschooling is practiced by many people over the world. That is how I realized that my “no intention of sending my child to school (since before I even married)” actually had a name, and my instinct was indeed leading me to something many involved and caring parents found value in. You may find out more on:

    • http://www.naturalchild.org
    • http://sandradodd.com/unschooling
    • http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/

    This is just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole new world waiting to be discovered.

    This is unorthodox. I know. But then I have never really been famous for following the rules.

    PS: If you wish your child to excel in maths, this article is a must read.

  • A beautiful year

    Its the 31st of December. I look back at this year and wonder at how much has changed. Last year, this time, I was not even actively thinking of a baby. A working professional, parties galore, life was good. Now, I have a young son. I am a stay at home mom. Making new discoveries about relationships, motherhood and sharing what I know of the world with this little one. Life is even better.

  • Thank you Google!

    Just got an email from Google with my New Year gift. It was a link to a page with an animation of the earth spinning, and this message:

    This gift is for someone very special: Everyone

    Because charities are experiencing their toughest year in decades, we have committed $20 million to helping those who help us all. Our gift to you is a gift to them.

    Followed by a list of charities around the globe.

    I keep being surprised and touched with the way Google is sensitive to people. Be it a no-clutter search page for those in search of something, highly intuitive features to their services, or something out of the blue – like this gift. Not to mention I just love their whimsical sense of humor too.

    Of course, like all mass emails from Google, the reply field was ‘no-reply’, so I thought I’d post my thanks here.

    A big thank you to you, Google! I can’t afford to support on such a scale, much as I want to see it happen. You have brightened up my new year. This is the best ‘mass-gift’ I have received. EVER.

    Thank you once more

  • Breastfeeding in public

    I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding for many reasons, but the chief ones are:

    • Its the best choice of nutrition for my baby
    • Immunity or at least resistance from a lot of stuff – don’t really know from experience – Nisarga is my son – we have no use for doctors other than regular vaccinations and gas. Or maybe that is the experience.
    • Its quick and convenient – nothing has a response time faster than unbuttoning and putting baby to breast. I have absolutely no intentions of going to the kitchen to fix formula, clean bottles and so on with a hungry baby on hand

    Bonus:

    • Lose your pregnancy weight faster
    • Have a baby who absolutely prefers you over anyone else in the world
    • Save money in products, doctor’s fees…. breastmilk is the best in quality and free!

    That said, one of my first purchases was a breast pump. At that time, with a new baby, I didn’t really know how available I’d be, and I wanted to keep a supply of milk on hand ‘just in case’.  It has proven invaluable countless times, allowing the baby to be fed when I hop out to a shop or when I’ve had too much sleep deprivation. I had initially planned it to store milk for going out for work for a couple of hours too, but I’ve lost the inclination for that.

    I am quite happy with India on the breastfeeding front, seeing how we are used to seeing women feeding their babies anywhere and everywhere. Sadly, this is now vanishing with ‘education’. Apparently the more educated you are, the more tempting your breast looks to people with evil thoughts. Good that I stopped before getting too educated.

    Initially, I used to carry bottled milk to feed the baby when heading out in public. I was not very expert at it, and didn’t really want the baby to suffer from my incompetence and needs of specific kinds of support to be able to feed well. This really had nothing to do with public places. I would still have prefered the bottle if totally alone and secluded without adequate time and fidgeting support.

    Now that I’m comfortable and the baby is a pro at this whole breastfeeding thing, the bottle is strictly for when I have to leave him behind to go somewhere and it is always a backup plan. Plan A is always to feed him and get back before he gets hungry again, or take him along.

    I am getting used to people slowly recommending starting formula, and foods and what nots. With all my criticism of the older generations for unthinking child care practices, its actually my contemporaries who make these ‘helpful’ suggestions. My parents and in-laws have never so much as said ‘food’ with relevance to the baby at this age, and will probably disinherit me and adopt Nisarga if I even think of formula.

    Yet my friends have recommended giving all kinds of things sooner than six months:

    • Water: Babies get thirsty
    • Juices: For digestion
    • Formula: For putting on weight
    • Cow’s Milk: For convenience
    • All of the above: for public places

    Somewhere along the line, women can wear barely visible clothes in public and its trendy, but breastfeeding is obscene. What’s wrong with this picture? I have yet to see a single person – even street lechers – look at a breastfeeding woman with lust. Curiosity, sure. Appreciation at the beautiful bonding, often, but never really “hey sexy babe, show me your boobs” variety. Even if they did, how does it matter?

    I eat in public when I’m hungry. Can I expect an infant not to?

    A friend of mine got really distressed when I shared these thoughts and went into a flood of advice about using my breast pump and carrying a bottle along. Sure, I’ve done that. I’m not saying its a bad idea and it works so that someone else can feed him if necessary. Yet, there’s only so much milk a bottle contains, and only so much my breast contains. I find it far more graceful to have Nisarga feed than huge wet blobs on my clothes.

    Then she suggested finding a private place like a restroom. You mean breastfeeding is so shameful that it must be hidden even if it means that you go into an entirely unhygienic place to FEED? Would YOU eat in a restroom? Ever seen what a restroom in a mall is like? What do I do if I’m travelling? Stop a flight, bus, car?

    I miss living in the village where you could see a woman sitting in a field under the sky with a baby to her breast for all to see. I have yet to meet one who looked for a convenient bush to go behind. We appreciate photos of women breastfeeding in art shows, but deny that beauty in ourselves.

    In a family gathering, kids and moms had a room to camp out in and I was breastfeeding Nisarga. Suddenly the door opened to have an uncle asking something from a cousin inside. With Nisarga barely a month old, we had a certain celebrity status, and everyone took moments to speak with me. This uncle saw me, and chatted. A sister-in-law with a grown up son was sitting nearby shell shocked. I was feeding and talking with a male at the same time!!!

    I carry along a scarf or something suitable to drape. Its more to prevent Nisarga from getting distracted than for me to hide what I’m doing. Its a certain intimate boundary that feels nice. It certainly wouldn’t stop me if I had nothing to cover up, and Nisarga was hungry, though at his age we haven’t been out enough to get into that situation. And I definitely wouldn’t go into a public toilet to feed my baby. I’ve never been obsessed with how much of me is seen or hidden, and my husband can sit right next to me and not bat an eyelid. Where is the problem?

    How is it that parents willing to go to fantastic extents to get admissions to some exclusive school, or be seen by only a child specialist with exhorbitant fees, or have every excellent toy for their child don’t value something that is the very fabric of life itself? Or is it because it doesn’t have a monetary tag attached? Or is it because its so ridiculously easy to manage, that its not important?

    This is one area where the traditional old-timers have it right. Feed baby. Feed often. Don’t worry about the rest till your baby grows up.

    What do you do/support/plan?

  • Milk drunk

    The hand flops limp in an abandoned sprawl

    As the mother shifts the baby to its bed

    A brief moment of wakefulness and it seeks around

    And touches the soft fabric of mom’s shirt

    Clutching that precious bit of mom

    Reassured, falls limp again

    As only one with a full stomach and dry bottom can

    When he has spent his waking moments striving to be his best

    An enterprising baby is now a satisfied baby

    And heads off into whatever baby dream worlds exist

  • Funny Little Baby

    Baby playing in his cradle
    Baby playing in his cradle

    I was working at something on the computer, when Nisarga’s piercing wail scared me to bits. I jumped from my chair and rushed to him in record time. Imagine what this guy’s problem was?

    He had woken up quietly and was playing on his own, I guess. These days, he grabs the rods on the side of the cradle. I found him like that, holding the rod strongly, and trying very hard to move his hand, crying in fear because it was stuck!!!

    I opened his tiny fist from the rod and his hand shot free. I had earned myself a teary smile.

    Bad, bad cradle had trapped my precious child 😀

  • The first week with your newborn

    The first week passes in a daze of information overload and sleep deprivation. Everything is new, emotional…..

    Too much is happening. The body has gone through a tough time, a whole new person is attached to me like superglue for the foreseeable future, too many people coming over to meet, well meaning advice being shoved down your throat, well intentioned help invading my private space, information overload and not enough time to process it, no sleep, joy, anxieties, bringing the baby home……

    For me, the first week was actually tougher than the birth.

  • Do you suffer from infant crying fear?

    It is quite easily accepted these days to immediately attend to a crying infant. However, some don’t and it has nothing to do with the infant and everything to do with what the crying does to us…. Here are some incidents from our family.

    Let me begin with saying that sheer over-exposure has made me not be too concerned with everyday crying and see it more as communication, but one night of inconsolable screaming can reduce me to begging, bribing, running to “God” (pediatrician)….

    My father owns outright that he can’t bear to see Nisarga cry. When Nisarga was a couple of days old, he was hovering over my shoulder begging me not to tie him so “tightly”, and make him cry… I was like, hey, this isn’t tight. Watch him get his hands out in two minutes flat. And he kept talking over my shoulder all through, pleading on behalf of this little screamer as though I was out to do him deliberate harm and was intentionally making him cry. Talk about co-piloting motherhood.

    Raka approaches crying like the UN negotiating a peace deal. He will pretty much talk outrageously submissive, offer all kinds of options for his son, if only he will agree to peace…. If that doesn’t work, he decides Nisarg wants his mom and hands him over like he is a lethal weapon.He has even put the crying infant down a couple of times rather than hold him till I come.

    When Raka’s mom hears the baby cry, she tells me to first calm him down…. as though I’m letting him cry on purpose if I can stop it easily? lol. This is the woman who used to tell me that babies shouldn’t get picked up every time they cry….. that was before her precious grandson was born 😀

    I think the only one of us who is really anchored in reality is my mom. She meets him rarely, but she sees his crying exactly for what it is. Something is not okay at this moment for him. No panic, nothing. Unsurprisingly, he never cries with her (so far).

    So, what are your stories? How does your baby’s crying shake the people who love him?

  • What does oiling of babies head have to do with closing of fontanelle

    No, really!

    Nisarga has a rash on his face. He had it earlier, and I told the massage woman to stop using oil on his head and face. It cleared. Once it cleared, everyone ganged up together to insist that he will not thrive unless his head is oiled regularly, particularly the fontanelle. That’s plain ridiculous. The fontanelle has a time frame in which it closes. That is that.

    These are some facts that you can share with people you know.

    • The fontanelle closes around 18 months or a year and a half depending on whether you oil it or not.
    • This, coincidentally (or not) is also around the time the size of the head slows in growth.
    • Oily skin is prone to rashes and pimples. Ask your teenager, wife, sister, anyone who struggles with pimples.
    • Most of the time, washing the baby gently means that the oil is not properly removed from the scalp, and that’s plain bad news for the baby’s skin.
    • A baby’s hair will grow whether you oil it or not. Have you seen any naturally bald four year olds?
    • Coconut oil does nothing to improve your baby’s intelligence. You using your reasoning skills and setting the example does.
    • For that matter, oil is also not essential for the body. Does nothing for the bones. It is good because the massage is good, and you can’t massage all that much without using something for the friction. The choice is really to use the least irritating oil, and that should be good.

    Like I said before, I’ve asked the maalish woman to stop, Stop, STOP using oil on his face and head. Unfortunately, she has the support of the husband and mother-in-law. Babies get all kinds of rashes is not a good enough answer for me, particularly when said rashes magically vanish once the head oiling stops.

    Tomorrow is the big war (imagine suitable dramatic music). I exert the supreme authority I have over the baby from being its mother. The head oiling has to go, or the woman goes.

    Stay tuned for the next episode post the great confrontation.

  • Mother development

    I used to think of myself as a pretty self aware person. And sure, to a great extent, I am. But then, the self is like an onion the more layers you peel off, the tastier the core remains.

    Nisarg is throwing me into a new learning curve as a person. It is impossible to have masks with infants. They operate on such a primitive level, that they simply don’t comprehend the masks. I may talk of patience and being there for him at 4am in the morning, but he knows what I will never verbalize – sleep, damnit!

    Needless to say, it doesn’t work. Then, as my impatience shows through, he gets agitated. Eventually, exhausted, I’m beyond impatience, and what he sees is what he gets. A limp, sleepy mom. And suddenly sleep sounds like a good idea to him too.

    Approaching the same situaiton in another way, I could say that my moods transfer to him. If I’m tense, I will never be able to get him to relax. If I’m waiting for him to sleep, he’s waiting right along with me…..

    I may talk baby talk with him, but when I enjoy myself, I get gummy grins. When I’m just talking to “make him quiet” I get hurt and puzzled looks as he shreds my heart by looking into my eyes when he cries.

    Many inexplicable situations later, I’m slowly starting to question the honesty of my behaviour. Sure. I’m honest to some extent. But what is the real issue? What are my feelings for my son that I disown because they are not “appropriate”?

    This reminds me of some comments I got on my poem “What you see is what you get” on facebook and in my emails. The essence is:

    A child gives birth to a mother.

    The teacher comes as the humble student.

    I think it is important that I remember that juust because I happened to be born earlier doesn’t mean that I know it all. Just because he is dependent on me doesn’t mean that the vast learnings he brings me are to be less respected than the most insightful guru around. Just because he isn’t a famous guru doesn’t mean that he is any less effective in transforming my life.

    Its incredible how when I strip off all the facades, resign myself to the demise of all pretences and embrace the joy of simply being; how much joy I am able to spread. How much caring I am able to convey. How much support I am able to contribute…. How much MORE I am, just because a pint size teacher chose to be naked and embrace life with open arms.